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Verified by Psychology TodaySubmitted by Brandy Laukaitis on November 28, 2016 - 11:11am
I live with my 69 year old mother and she wears FOUR of these five faces on a regular basis!!! Some people are sicker than others!!! How do you end a toxic relationship with someone you're dependent on???
Sound like your BF is toxic and the best thing for YOU to do for YOURSELF is RUN!!! Get gone! Toxic people make YOU feel like you're going crazy when you're not. They can suck all the joy & happiness out of your life!
I wish you the best of luck.... :)
Dear Is it Possible:
Your relationship is not a healthy one at all: your boyfriend needs serious help from a professional, and you need to GET OUT of this mess and STAY OUT, for your own mental and physical health. (The stress you're feeling will take its toll on your body; perhaps it already has?)
With mental disorders like those, you cannot "fix" him any more than you could cure him of cancer. He needs professional help; the only one who should pay for his problems is him and his medical insurance company.
It is not your job to "please him, make him happy, predict upcoming emotions trying to prevent fights, making changes in myself only to be criticized"!
Listen carefully: all those things you're doing are the actions of an abuse victim or potential abuse victim. You are going to way too much trouble to please someone who may never be truly pleased! At the very, very least, he's the wrong guy for you, and always will be. You have six years' worth of proof.
Please make a plan to end the relationship PERMANENTLY and stick by it. Do not go back! Whatever reasons you and he used to get back together so many times before are not valid reasons; they were excuses, unrealistic hopes, and/or mistakes.
Ask yourself why you're putting up with such treatment and consider seeing a therapist yourself to learn how to build your self-esteem and avoid men like him in the future. Some people just aren't mature/healthy/responsible enough to be the other half of a loving, healthy couple.
I only did a quick internet search, but think that some of these links might help you. Please consider them with a critical mind towards your relationship, instead of thinking, "well, he doesn't do ALL those things, ALL the time, so we're okay...." Instead, recognize that it's time to end the relationship and take care of yourself. You deserve it.
Please, take care, and, if you want, get back to us on this site. I'll be thinking of you.
Oh Nicole I have been where you have. Difference is i was only with my ex for 8 months (seemed like a lifetime then though).
It made me so ill...i wasnt the same person, everyone used to say to me "youve gone, youre not there anymore, that person has left" my soul went, i lost 2 stone and i was so depressed and anxious, i went the doctors in the end and they give me antidepressants. he finished thankfully but still kept coming back...long story short i just ignored all contact and that was nearly 3 years ago now. i have been in a very happy relationship with someone normal lol.
You will never win here...please accept this is a psychological disorder (also theres something within us that allows us to stay with these people when we shouldn't - for me it was probably the toxic relationship between my mum and dad - this needs to be addressed also - we are enabling these people)
theres a good book i read after we finished called "women who love too much" (Norwood, Robin) please read this.
hope you get sorted soon, you are not living with this toxic person.
If you have been all this time on off thing and you didnt notice thats you are somehow like him, reaserches proved that people always find someone with their disorder to have relation with so i think u should be judging you should be looking at a mirror
Emir, I think you may be confusing behavior with motivation (antecedent). Someone who repeatedly abuses others and someone who repeatedly selects/stays with abusive people MAY both have similar insecurities or triggers for their actions--or experiences that make the situation seem somehow acceptable--but that does not mean that they are both engaging in the same behavior. (Unless you want to get poetic about abusing oneself by allowing others to do it for them.)
Telling a victim that s/he's being the same sort of a-hole that his/her violent, malicious, neurotic partner is is inaccurate and not very helpful. Telling an abusive person that their victim is just as bad as s/he is is akin to telling them both that the victim deserves their mistreatment; they don't!
It's "losing" not "loosing" - as "loosing" isn't a word.
For being written by two MD's I'm surprised by the confusing writing and lack of content. Weakest description of narcissism I've seen. I'd recommend others find better articles.
As for clarity, I was confused by the two scenarios for critic. It wasn't until a second read through that I think you mean both of those are wrong. Scenario 1 is clearly supposed to be the bad one, I thought maybe scenario 2 was going to be the better way to do it. I think this would have been a better article if you had done something like that. You're writing to say "hey you may not realize this, but this is wrong" without any "this is how it should be". Again just rather vague and directionless compared to other articles out there. Sorry to be the critic... ;)
Are you seeing anyone about this or just playing around?
at least from the perspective of outsiders.
Most times, I just need space to sort things out in my head and in my heart. It usually takes a lot to get me mad. It happens every second or third year and talking about it won't help until I decide if I can live with the offense or not, and I can't know that until the emotional energy untangles.
Last time I got mad was this year with a friend. I was really disturbed and it took me 3 weeks to sort things out in my heart. I as able to say on the same night what triggered me, but I wasn't able to decide who was 'right'. Was I right to be mad, or was the other person right to do what they did. In the end, I figured it was a core issue that I could not live with.
I did not need more information from the other person to figure out what had happened. I had that information. I needed time to connect with myself.
I do not feel it's a bad thing. I feel a lot of people want to resolve thing before connecting to their own wisdom because the wait makes them too uncomfortable. If someone pushes me to talk before I know what I have to say, I'll always tell them that it's over because then I know it's someone who can't respect me my space. I will tell them I need time, but it is also true that I cannot give them a deadline as the heart takes the time it needs.
Having been with both a stonewaller (who don't want to be pushed before they are ready) and passive aggressive (who make taunts that hurt a lot instead of tellng you why they are angry) i can tell you it's not pleasant. Even if i wait and don't discuss my problem more often than not the issue that hurt me doesn't actually get solved. Even if I don't talk abt it after I mention it. Unless you are then ready to bring it up yourself when you are ready the person in a relationship with you is not going to find a solution to their problems ever. Because if they try you stonewall. It makes one feel insignificant. Like my hurts dont matter. And that I can't make any mistakes at all. That I just have to tolerate all the problems. And passive aggressive is an active though indirect way to hurt the other person. Both stinewalling and passive aggressive is a caused by the person doing it mistrusting their partner and not understanding their emotions. With both these things present in the relationship i often felt like the monster even after trying all I could to mend things. Including not discussing issues. I have eventually settled on leavig those people. Because it feels like they believe I can't possibly have feelings. And everythung I do is meant to hurt them and not because I can possibly be hurt myself. And their is no hope of solving the issue plus the insult of being stonewalled and the passive aggressive taunts. I am not blaming you. I am juat saying it's incredibly hurtful and insulting to be with a passive aggressive and a stonewaller.
This is a one sided article. The "toxic" behaviors are the result of frustrations that aren't being addressed and you present no solutions to any of the problems. Consider the critic: > Scenario #1: You arrive 15 minutes late to dinner without giving your significant other any warning. Your significant other is visibly angry and, instead of asking why you were late or what happened, he or she automatically begins insulting you. "You are always late and never have any consideration for anyone except yourself. I have been sitting here for 15 minutes waiting for you, and no matter what, you cannot seem to ever show up on time."
This is my sister in law. She is always late and delays her husband constantly. It is the epitome of selfish behavior. If you love someone, you find a way to fix the problem. I was late a few times, and my wife told me it really bothered her, and guess what? I HAVE NOT EVER BEEN LATE AGAIN. Why? Because I care about her. Problem solved.
If you love the person, you find a way to not be late. If you don't love them, then you just keep on showing up at whatever time you like, because it's obvious you don't care about the other person's time.
> Scenario #2: You arrive 15 minutes late to dinner without giving your significant other any warning. Your significant other is visibly angry, but instead of lashing out in criticism, he or she inquires about this pattern. "I realized you are late quite often. Is there a reason, or has anyone else ever noticed this trend?"
And then what? What happens? You ask the question "Is this a trend?", he/she replies "Sorry I was late" and then that makes absolutely no difference whatsoever because they're continually late again and again. This might work the first time on someone who cares about your feelings, but it's doomed to fail for a truly selfish person. There's no solution to this problem.
Now consider the passive aggressor: > You did something to upset your partner, but you are unsure of what exactly you did. You ask why he or she is angry and inquire for insight as to what you have done so you can prevent upsetting your partner in the future. However, your partner will not tell you why he or she is mad and instead replies, "I am fine" or "I am not mad," even though he or she appears to be withdrawing from you.
So let's think about WHY the passive aggressor would say "I am fine" instead of revealing what the problem is instead of just jumping to the conclusion that the passive aggressor is inherent malicious and has an unnatural love of conflict. I have experience this with my wife, and often the reason why I say "I am fine" is because if I tell her the ACTUAL problem, she replies with "well you shouldn't have gotten your feelings hurt over that" or she denies the problem totally. In fact, she even once said "Your feelings are wrong". When saying what the problem is hurts you even more deeply than keeping quiet, you acquire the learned behavior of just saying "I'm fine". (Luckily, we joke about the whole "your feelings are wrong" comment nowadays.) But do you see how your article fails to provide any solutions to someone denying the problem?
"...do you see how your article fails to provide any solutions to someone denying the problem?"
He didn't promise any solutions at all; the title of the article suggests that he will describe 5 personality disorders and how to identify them. That's exactly what it did.
Good site. Thank you so much. I found a lot of useful and interesting. I never would have thought. Good job guys prayer times
Hello! I'd like to ask you is if it's possible for a narssisist to be an empath as I have someone in my life who I considered a friend and who claims to be both. Personally I find the two things too contradictory to exist on the same plane.
Psychology student here. Short answer: probably not, but I would need to know more. (Classic psychologist answer. :))
Longer answer: If your friend has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), then no. One of the criteria to make a diagnosis of NPD, according to the DSM-V, is that this person "lacks empathy; is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others", which, of course, is completely contradictory to the traits of an empath. However, it's important to keep in mind that personality traits run on a continuum. We all have personality traits that lead us to react in fairly predictable ways as we move through life, narcissism being one such trait. We all have the potential to move to a place on that continuum where the expressed trait is detrimental to ourselves and/or others. People with actual personality disorders have personality traits that are extreme and dysfunctional. So, is your friend's behavior dysfunctional? If not, it's possible they do display some "higher than average" narcissistic tendencies, but possibly not to the extent where they lack empathy. On the other hand, it could be that this person *wants* to be an empath -- and perhaps has a grandiose sense of self (another hallmark of NPD), and is inflating their actual empathetic capabilities. Narcissists "routinely overestimate their abilities and inflate their accomplishments".
So, to answer your question -- is it possible? Yes. But is it likely? Probably not. If it were me, I'd proceed cautiously with your friend, and observe their behaviors, instead of what they tell you. Their actions will show the truth. Do they act more like a narcissist or an empath?
Hello, JA! Thank you for your answer. Well, my friend claims to be an empath and a narcissist (not having a disorder) and says she decided to "become a nacissist" after her first boyfriend dumped her because she thought that in order to be liked she had to make herself arrogant and thus become visible. She talks a lot, requires a lot of attention when she likes somebeody and once that somebody shows they're willing to listen to her. She thinks whatever you do is not as important and intersting as talking to her (we have a lot of common interests we discuss), but she also talks a lot about herself, her likes and dislikes, her past, present and future that is full of job opportunities. Also she thinks herself superior to most people and I can see there is merit to some of these claims. She also stated that many people get obssessed with her and can't sleed for days on after talking to her and she says she doesn't know why that is. She looks extremely self-confident, yet declared a few time she has low self-esteem and then added that her self-image had ups and downs. She promises to send or do many things and sticks to her words in 1/3 of the cases. She can never have a short phone call - you tell you have 15 minutes, she keeps you for hours on end and you can hardly get off her hook. At the same time she can provide emotional support when you say you need it, but prefers to have the focus on herself most of the time. These are sustainable tendencies in her behaviour. That is why it's hard for me to have a clear-cut idea what I'm up against.
Remember that intervening doesn’t always translate to championing the target of someone else’s aggressions. If you can anticipate the emotional course before you arrive, think of new ways to delay it. What (other than the game on TV) can sidetrack antagonists before the dynamic kicks in? Sure you’ve tried this before, and everyone at the table knows the 3 topics that ‘always work,’ so come prepared with a fourth—something you’re passionate about. A book you read / movie you saw, the intrigue at the office, someone new or funny or interesting that you’ve met. Aim to engage the family member who initiates toxic relating. Put your (proverbial) arm around her or his shoulder and steer them in a different direction.
Where does a bragging/workaholic sibling fit in to your "diagnosis?"
I had many a "toxic" relationship and assumed I was not good enough and that I was choosing the wrong people. Toxic people. However it's not that cut and dry. After the last bad relationship and having lots of friends who just seem to be utterly self absorbed, I decided enough was enough and got counseling. It was a long process, a year overall. I discovered it's not about labeling people toxic. You have to deal with all kinds of people through you're life. Building your own confidence to a level where you can successfully manage those people without them causing you pain I believe is the answer. Knowing when not to engage with someone whose behavior is unacceptable to you. A couple of people I dated who I had decided in my mind were psychopaths have actually gone on to have seemingly happy relationships. As have I. I have an understanding partner who loves me and my numerous flaws and who is always able to talk things through. For whatever reason I wasn't able to do that previously. The previous people I dated were not right for me and aspects of their behaviors were unacceptable to me and yet instead of walking away I just put up with those behaviors thinking it was all my fault, and then later writing them off as psychopaths! I think my point is have confidence in yourself and what you are willing to tolerate of other people. Surround yourself with equally confident, happy people who make you feel good not bad and try to understand that if someone makes you feel bad they have there own reasons, problems and maybe in a bad place. They are not necessarily psychopaths, or have a personality disorder but their behaviors are unacceptable if they deliberately make you feel bad so time to walk away.
My boyfriend of three years and I could have a really beautiful and perfect relationship, if it wasn't for his first relationship with a highly toxic woman (3 traits on this list and more which isn't listed), which resulted in a child nobody but her wanted. I love him a lot and the three years of our very healthy relationship have been nothing but loving, full of warmth and without a single fight. I don't know if his ex has a narcistic or bipolar personality disorder, a mix of both, or something completely different. Either way she has the most fucked up personality I've ever seen and the way she treats other people, especially her spouses and children is beyond all bearing. I feel physically sick when I think about the way she treated my boyfriend who is extremely nice, affectionate, respectful and the most caring partner one can imagine. She hurt him repeatedly and nearly on a daily level and ignored everything he wanted and wished for in life when getting pregnant on purpose when he was only 21. He was an only child, his parents seperated after his birth and where in constant fight. His father abandoned him most of the time and never showed up to the already rare meetings with his son. Nevertheless his mother single handedly managed to make him grow up as an independent, happy, optimistic, intelligent and promising young man. But the remainings of his childhood surfaced when he met this woman who was his first girlfriend. He wasn't able to leave despite the constant and extreme emotional abuse. She made him completely dependent on her, his fear of abandonment left from his childhood made it easy for her to control him and he was too inexperienced to see what she was doing to him. When he slowly started to realise there was something wrong about her, it was too late and she was already pregnant. Now he is forever bound to her and her toxic behaviour. His child grows up with a woman he would have never ever wanted to be the mother of his children if he would have had a chance to decide. He had to sacrifice most of his plans for life, feels like he is trapped in a cage since the age of 21 (8 years now) became lowkey bitter because of that and all his future relationships after her (including ours) are heavily affected by the tense relationship with his insufferable ex and the child. The moral of the story is: Toxic people can not only heavily affect your life, they can destroy it! And if you let them they will take everything you have, no matter how nice, caring and charming they sometimes may seem. If you feel you are in a relationship with someone like this: RUN! Run before it's too late! My boyfriend says she was the biggest mistake of his life and he wishes somebody had told him this back then. His life would have unfolded much more the way he wished for. Don't make the same mistake and stay in a relationship with womeone you can't help. They can't be healed by love, just by a therapist. Don't make excuses for their behaviour, cause there are none. My boyfriend always tried to make himself believe it was her hormones, a fight with her mother, problems at college, the pregnancy. But a persons real character shows in situations like these. If somebody lets their anger, insecurity and frustration out on you, there is something wrong with their way of dealing with emotions. Not you. Sorry for the long text but this had to be said.
My, what a diatribe of tortured excuses. Who was it that said, "my psycho ex didn't start acting crazy until I started treating her very, very badly." Wake up and smell the coffee, lady. Your boyfriend was not "trapped." He did not make a mistake. He voluntarily jumped into bed with that woman, again and again, and at least once without protection. "He didn't have a chance to decide." Yes he did. He decided to diddle with her, I'm sure by the time he was 21 he knew enough about the facts of life to know what causes pregnancy. He then sleazed out on her and abandoned her with a child after he got her pregnant. A real man would have stood up and done the right thing by his own flesh and blood. Man does he have you majorly snowed with the psychobabble. He probably cheated on her when she was pregnant, and it probably was with you or somebody like you. The next girlfriend likes to think she is so "special." She wants her guy's ex and children to drop off the face of the earth. He's feeding right into your agenda, rewriting history with his ex to make you think you are so much better than she is. Until you're not.
Oh boy, you've had a bunch of bad things happen to you in the past didn't you? Where did I say my boyfriend left her? She was the one who left him. One and a half year after the childs birth and after she had cheated on him for months with multiple men. She even apologized to him for this. (The only apology he ever received). You are just slipping into the typical "poor mother being cheated on by asshole man and left alone" stereotype. And just for your information he DID stand up and cared for his child, even after she left him. It is with him every weekend since he was 23. He finished his degree at university he normally wouldn't have finished just to be able to earn money for his daughter and right now he's working a full time job to pay for her while the mother lives on welfare. And I think after 3 years of relationship and also getting to know the ex pretty well over this time, not only through his stories, I can judge pretty well who must have been the crazy one back then. And by the way, she skipped birth control without telling him, also exactly the way she received her second child by another man. I think it is amazing how fed up you get by my story without knowing anything about the situation and misinterpret it in a way that fits your world view. Please try to understand that not every relationship is a stereotype and mothers are not always the good ones before you bitch at someone for things you really don't understand.
Everything is hilarious with occasional raucous outbursts. Felt really offended & hurt when this happened in public over the fact I was ill with diverticulitis and gout.
Some people are just **cks. It doesn't matter what sort of **ck, what caused it, what the diagnosis is, or what you call it. If you want to enjoy the perks of being in a relationship, being in a family, or being part of a team at work, just don't be a **ck. It looks like the enablers are a big part of the cause. If the **cks didn't have anyone to target with their ****storm, it wouldn't be any fun anymore, and they would either just have to quit or be shut out of everything.
Dr. Ryback If someone burns a bridge by saying & doing what is on their mind including lies & manipulations, why is stonewalling/ignoring that person/people forever not the best and healthiest way to go?
Be careful doc, describing so many feminine traits in one article will get you labeled as a misogynist, white (burrito) supreme-ist or what ever other "feel good" buzz terms the nonsense on televison can pull outta their asses for their failing ratings. Sex isn't selling anymore so they can always sell negativity, sadism and hatred to the gullible masses who think they aren't.
Well what if I am one of those types? That's who I am. And people do NOT change. I'm 36, I've wasted half my life, and see no point in even existing. In fact I wish I didnt.
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